12 Ways to Survive the Holidays
The holidays are difficult for a lot of people. That's a well-known fact that probably doesn't even need to be stated.
For many, it's because they bring back painful reminders of some kind of loss, from the death of a loved one to a change in family dynamics to traumatic aftermath. Loss in and of itself hurts, and the first (and second, and third, or twenty-third) celebration following the loss is yet another agonizing reminder of what used to be. The beautiful garland and trees and smells of the season that bring happiness to so many also bring stabs of heartache and grief to others. Those suffering valiently attempt to paste on a smile to mask their pain and sadness while the world dances around them in frenzied festivity.
Those who struggle with eating disorders often struggle with a loss-of-sorts of another kind. Their reality is not what it was before. Nothing feels the same. The depression and anxiety are off the charts, yet they so desperately wish they could dive into the season's excitement and leave their struggles at the door.
Large amounts and vast varieties of food surround them seemingly every waking hour and increase in quantity with every passing day. They long to be like family and friends in anticipation of all the goodies and special meals the season will bring. But instead, they're paralyzed with fear of the unknown that comes with going to another person’s home for dinner and not knowing what will be served or how it was prepared. Or on the other side of the coin, some struggle with their new "freedom" and fear they will eat everything they see. Others feel enslaved to compensatory behaviors and fight the shame associated with them, even before they happen.
Strong emotions abound during the holiday season for those struggling with an eating disorder, good and bad. Nostalgia can be hard. Since eating disorder therapy involves processing things that happened in the past, those who struggle have feeling receptors that are wide open and often raw, which makes the nostalgia a little more intense in most cases. Holiday gatherings often bring family members from long distances who will likely be full of questions about health and progress or lack thereof. Some family members are more difficult to be around than others, and some are a big part of those processing sessions with therapists. Coming face to face with them for the first time after talking about difficult things brings unspeakable feelings.
Guilt is often a common denominator among those in recovery over the holidays. They believe they should be happy and want to be happy, but they just can't seem to get themselves there. They carry on with a smile, but inside they feel anything but bright, bubbly, or blissful. They feel judged by others and can't get their feelings to cooperate.
And let's not forget all of those lovely conversations that are so popular during the season about calories and new diets and weight loss goals and gym commitments and being so full there's no need to eat for days and how much weight this plate of food is going to instantly add to hips and future cleanses, detoxes and ALL THE THINGS. These conversations are so difficult to navigate in the throws of recovery.
Those situations and accompanying feelings are uncomfortable at best. And as those who are in recovery from using food, or a lack thereof, to anesthetize emotions, the season has the potential to be a road toward dangerous disaster.
Things sure aren't sounding very merry, are they? Here's some good news. While it's not possible to control what's happening in the world around us, there are several things that we can do to help which offer a changed perspective. It's the season for peace and joy, and it's possible to experience them, even amidst depression, anxiety, or whatever the uncomfortable emotions that trouble you.
This can't be overemphasized. Keep notecards by your bed of truths you need to remember so that they're the first things that enter your mind each day. Spend time reading your Bible. Keep an open prayer going all day long. Just talk to Him, as often as you can. Listen to worship music, and sing along. Use travel time to listen to podcasts which remind you of truth.
It’s the most important thing, every day. Restriction is never okay, and it’s especially unhelpful during the holidays. Be prepared for temptations to be at an all time high. Especially now, you must not engage. Your body needs to receive nourishment regularly. Restricting opens you up to temptations for other behaviors, and it is still an eating disorder behavior, regardless of what you did or didn't eat during the previous meal or what you fear you might eat in the next.
While it's vital to follow your prescribed meal plan, it's also important to let go of precise measurements and ingredients in social settings. Remember that even though following your meal plan never allows for skimping, it does allow for flexibility. Talk with your team through schedule changes over busy seasons. Remember it's okay if you eat breakfast at 9AM even though you always eat it at 8:15 every other day of the year (but be careful not to let ED run with that and convince you to just do brunch. That's not the same.) It's okay to select a vegetable casserole as your veg exchange, even though it may have more than just a vegetable in it...even though you don't know exactly how it was prepared. Have a piece of dessert, or sample a few. Embrace the truth that God planned for you to enjoy the taste of the food for which He planned to fuel your body. Acknowledge the scientific evidence that your body can not only handle variations, but it needs them. Let loose of those reigns, and silence that incessant voice in your head with truth. The eating disorder won't like it, but that's the whole point. You don’t have to let it be in control.
It's not possible to attend every function. You're not going to be able to make everyone happy (nor should you try). Work toward kindly declining an invitation when you need to take care of yourself. Self-care becomes even more important during busy and difficult seasons. When you do choose to participate/attend an event, remember that it's okay to excuse yourself from a conversation when the topic is triggering. Take a walk, pet the dog, or go find out what the kids are up to. You could also choose to take the initiative and change the subject for the wellbeing of everyone. It's not rude to be a voice of truth and redirection.
The holidays are not times to skip treatment appointments, so don't allow invitations to holiday events to take precedence. Stay in touch with your dietician and therapist and do everything you can to keep up regular sessions. You need them more than ever right now.
Let your support team know that you may need some extra help through the season. Request ahead of time that they check in with you regularly and ask the hard questions that hold you accountable. Before going to a family dinner or food-related event, identify a safe person who will be there and ask them to stay near you after you eat and go with you to the restroom if needed. Remember that you are not a burden, and tell them what you need. They want to know. When you struggle, challenge the voice in your head that tells you not to reach out by doing it anyway, knowing that secrecy and isolation are the eating disorder’s joy. Bring the thoughts into the light.
Take every opportunity to challenge the lies you hear in your head. You know, those old tapes that run through your mind incessantly - don't let them go unchecked. Don't mull over them. Don't ignore them and just try to move on. You're going to need every ounce of truth you can get over these weeks of holidays. Push them out by claiming what's true. For example: when you finish Thanksgiving dinner with your family, and the eating disorder voice is shaming you for enjoying the taste or completing a meal or eating a casserole or telling you how much your body changed just by eating the dinner (or whatever it's poison of choice of the moment is), talk back. My body deserves proper nourishment, and there's no shame in that. God planned for me to use food to regularly fuel my body, and He loves me so much that He even created it to taste good. It's very normal and appropriate to complete several meals a day. Casseroles are part of a balanced meal plan. It's scientifically impossible for my body to change just by eating one meal. (...etc...)
Expect feelings to be challenging, and determine ahead of time that they will not be the basis from which you make decisions. Feelings are real, but they aren't always true, and they always change. Choose truth regardless of how you feel. Every time. It's pretty much guaranteed that when you make decisions based on uncomfortable feelings, you are choosing poorly and placing yourself in danger, off the road of recovery.
Turn the focus off of yourself and think of things you could do to help someone else. You'll be amazed by the difference this makes. It doesn't take away all your difficult feelings or instantly remedy a situation. But the change in your perspective provides a bit of a release of discomfort and a new determination to keep going even amidst the challenges. Text a friend and let her know she's been on your heart. Mail a card. Bake cookies for your neighbor. Volunteer at your church. Take a meal to a family in need. The possibilities to show love are endless, as are the blessings you'll receive when you do. (Note: this does not take away from the importance of maintaining appropriate boundaries and taking care of yourself. It's possible to do all of these things without excluding one or the other. Don't let ED use this as an excuse to ignore self-care.)
Even in the middle of the darkest time of your life, you can still find reasons to be thankful. Depression and anxiety tend to leave us focused on the negative, and that is not helpful. But being grateful changes the direction of our thoughts and leads to feelings of happiness and peace. It's an amazing thing. This holiday season, I'm especially grateful for Jesus and all that He's taught me this year. I praise Him for the gift of recovery, that one day I will live in freedom from the eating disorder! I thank Him for my family. I am thankful that He supplies all of my needs and so many things above my needs. My heart is full of thanks for the ways He's growing Charis Eating Disorder Care and for the joy it is to be able to encourage others. And I could go on and on and on. Just start writing out your list, and watch the transformation take place in your heart.
Trust that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. Trust that all things work together for good. Trust that God will never leave you or forsake you. Trust that God never wastes pain. Trust that God will give you everything you need. Those are just a few of the promises from our faithful God, and you can know with certainty that they are true. Trust is "not a passive state of mind. It is a vigorous act of the soul by which we choose to lay hold on the promises of God and cling to them despite the adversity that at times seeks to overwhelm us." (Bridges, Jerry, Trusting God) So even when the feelings are absolutely unbearable, you can still have peace, because your mind is stayed on Him and His truth as you trust His promises. You can hold on to what you know is true, even when you're overwhelmed, and find the strength to keep walking.
Similar to the way we choose to be thankful even amidst suffering, you can also choose to have joy. While that may seem paradoxical, it's profoundly true. You can remember, even while in pain, the things that bring biblical joy - our salvation, our future with Christ, the hope we have in Jesus for recovery, and more. Joy isn't dependent upon external factors, like things or situations. And so even though you are going through a very difficult time in your life, perhaps the most difficult you'll ever experience, it's possible to have joy, because it's not dependent on your current difficulties. The choice we make is intentionally turning our eyes to what's ahead (Jesus) rather than the here and now. There is so much joy ahead, and that, in itself, can allow you to experience joy in the moment, in the middle of difficulty. This kind of joy is also accompanied by a certain peace that helps us stay centered, even while the storms rage around us.
I pray you'll remember these helps and that they'll allow you to experience some of the thrills of the season alongside your family and friends. Think of the reason we celebrate. Jesus was born to die for our sins so that we might live. Focus on Him. Entrust your recovery to Him. Love Him by what you think, say, and do. Take one minute of each day at a time. And then leave the rest up to Him. Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas!